On Being a Pandemic Bride

"I know it still sucks... but at least you guys are already technically married!"

I hung up the phone after another conversation where I would express my sadness and frustration over canceling my trip to Japan, the one where we planned our dream wedding, and a friend or family member would console me by saying this phrase.

Didn't they get it? I fumed. It isn't about the wedding! It's about the TRIP!

My husband and I have had dreams of traveling to Japan since we were both in middle school, dreams that started coming to fruition when we decided to plan our honeymoon, which later turned into our wedding, in Japan back in 2016. Four years of planning and we were two weeks away from our departure date. Then we had to cancel it all because of COVID-19.

We'd already planned and executed a legal courthouse ceremony in Miami so that our close family could attend; and while it was special, lovely, and everything I could have hoped, it wasn't my DREAM. It wasn't the main event, it was a stepping stone to the main event. To the trip I'd been planning for, well, forever.

After these conversations I have to take a step back and remind myself that they're not in my head, they aren't me and they (naturally) assume that when I lament about the trip to Japan I'm lamenting about the wedding, and in a way I am, but I'm mostly lamenting about feeling trapped. The creeping anxiety that I've felt since I wasn't able to take any study abroad trips in college that I'm not seeing enough of the world, that my horizons are so limited. That's the overwhelming sense I get when I know I'm going to be trapped in the United States for the foreseeable future.

I think any travel junkie would get it. They know this feeling all too well. When you've been at home for too long and are itching for your next adventure. A trip to a new neighborhood or a lunch with friends, bursting with laughter and excitement over new dishes from a highly recommended restaurant, just won't cut it and you need to get out of dodge. Now with this virus, I don't even have local adventures to cling to.

There's also a monetary investment whenever you plan a wedding. I'd bought my dream dress, we put down our deposits for the vendors, we had the menus! It was all happening! Then the door was unceremoniously shut in our faces. You can control every aspect of your dream wedding, but you can never plan for an "act of God" (as insurance companies like to call it).

Sure, logically I know that G and I are legally married and so if anything were to happen to one of us we're set. That's the whole point, right? Making the commitment to the other person and making it legal? Then why can't I get this bitter taste out of my mouth?

On the other hand: during this time I've watched friends, family, colleagues, it seems almost everyone I know struggle a battle on many fronts. Personal or family health crisis, loss of jobs, dissolving or struggling relationships, family drama, friend drama, personal drama, financial struggles, the creeping sense of loneliness and isolation, the list goes on and on.

So, I take a step back. Everyone is dealing with their own battles and the fact that anyone showed up to help me face mine makes me feel extraordinarily grateful, even if they didn't show up in the way I hoped or expected. The people who care show up in the way that they can.

So I agree with them, ultimately. Even if it's hard to hear sometimes. On the opposite side of the world, I have an adventure waiting for me. A constant reminder that there will always be something to look forward to, even when it's tempting to look back and grieve.